P.S. I can't hear my feet
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
