found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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