I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
