A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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