dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
