Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
