I heard we made out
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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