i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
