Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
