Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
