i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
