Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
