Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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