I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Randomize
