My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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