i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
