I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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