lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
