so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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