a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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