my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
