i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
sarcasm needs its own font
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
