These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
