omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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