The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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