next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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