when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
