i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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