sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
