My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
