We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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