I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
