I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
