I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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