3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
