I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize