Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
