The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
