Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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