this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You took a bar mat shot.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
did i just pee glitter
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
