Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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