I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My feet surprised me
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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