after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
