Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
