Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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