Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize