I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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