My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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