I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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