Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
