Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
