I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
