I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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