i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
